By: Cynthia Ayala
There is a moment in everyone’s life when they seek to discover who they are. For me it came too late, in an inopportune moment, and I ended up breaking the heart of someone who cared about me. But that’s what sucked. I knew I was going to hurt him, when I wasn’t happy with who I was. So when I said, I need to work on me, I meant it.
I took a look at who I was, at all my relationships and realized that I subjected myself to these unhealthy relationships because I was so scared about being alone. I sought attention in the worst ways, and all of it, made it hard to look at myself.
So I was alone. Except, I wasn’t. I forgot one of the more fundamental parts of society: friendships. I had the best friends in college who helped me see me, who helped me work on many of my attributes I was unhappy with. Now, I’m happy. I’m just sort of a mellow person nowadays, and it makes me very happy.
I’m recounting this now because I just finished reading this book ‘The Appetites of Girls’ by Pamela Moses, and that book highlighted everything about my life, it made me look back at my own journey of self-discover.
Society tends to forget that it’s the flaws in each individual that make each person perfect. It’s the uniqueness in every face, in every personality that brings to life beauty. It’s the flaws that make us perfect. I like to think of myself as imperfectly perfect or perfectly imperfect. In the novel, there are four girls, roommates, each of whom is fixated on what they believe society expects from them, until they learn, that society’s opinion doesn’t matter. I believe that as long as we are happy with ourselves, will be happy people, happy individuals, we only need to love ourselves, which includes the flaws. In fact, it’s those flaws that make us who we are, the aspects that separate us from everyone else, the parts of ourselves we should love.
I’m not perfect, I don’t want to me. I spent so long trying to be this perfect person, and all it did was make unhappy and very angry. I tried so hard to be this person everyone wanted, forgetting what I wanted, tearing myself apart, suffering from depression and some suicidal thoughts.
That hasn’t happened again. Society seeks perfection, but there is no such thing. Flaws are perfect, we are not faces on paper than can be erased and modified. All anyone needs is acceptance and to love themselves. Work on the things you want to, but accept who you are. I still have my anger issues from time to time, but I seek control over it because it’s not one of my more appealing traits. I don’t want to alienate people, I don’t want to hurt people.
However, I’m happy with who I am, I love each flaw about me, each aspect that makes me stand out. I believe that makes me stronger and I believe that my acceptance, my love, will continue to make me the happy person I am.