Matthew sat in the living room with Jae. Jae was getting the hang of the violin, but Matthew didn’t know how much of it was his teaching. It was clear to him that Jae had already been trained.

“Good movement, you’re a natural.” He took a moment to fix their hold on the bow and finger placements. “But you know better.”

“Do I?” they said slyly, their lips quirking in a smile.

“Yeah, you clearly do. So tell me, why are you really here?”

Jae put down their violin and leaned forward. “So I can do this.”

And suddenly, Jae was kissing him. And to Matthew’s surprise, he realized he liked it. So he kissed Jae back fiercely and hungrily, despite this feeling in the pit of his stomach that made him feel like he was betraying Luci. Except he knew better; his head knew better, even if his heart didn’t.

They were not dating.

They were not exclusive.

His hands began to wander up Jae’s legs. Jae pushed him down on the sofa, straddling him, pinning Matthew’s hands on the sofa, pulling away, their long black hair falling over their shoulder.

“What—”

“I have to tell you something.”

“Um, okay.”

“So I’m half native American. Many tribes have people we call two-spirit. I call myself Jae because it felt like the most gender-neutral name that felt like me.”

“Um, okay—” Matthew wasn’t sure where this conversation was going.

“My name at birth was James.”

Matthew took a moment to process that information. To process the fact that the person in front of him was wearing a dress.

“Okay, so—”

“So under this dress, I have a penis. I’m not transgender. I quite like my dick, to be honest, but I’m pretty andodrenous, and I love it. I love being me. I love the freedom to be both because that’s what it means to be two-spirit. So, I guess you could say I’m non-binary. That’s how I classify myself when I have to. I don’t really like putting myself in a box. Is that okay?”

Matthew stared at Jae, smiling. “I’m bi, and my last boyfriend broke up with me because they were not okay with that. Are you?”

Jae rolled their eyes as if the question was ridiculous. “Oh, that’s nothing.”

“Cool. Does that mean you’ll kiss me again?” Jae grinned, lowering their lips to his, letting Matt’s hands go back to roaming up their dress.

He didn’t know when it had escalated, but it had. Jae was on the floor, their head between Matthew’s legs, taking him in. The moment was momentarily shattered when his phone vibrated.

“Do you need to get that?”

“Fuck no.” He turned his phone on silent without even looking at it, ignoring whoever it was.

The front door began to ring when Jae was back on his lap. Repeatedly.

“I think you need to get that.”

Matthew sighed. “Yeah, okay.” Fixing himself up, he went to the door, letting in a soaking wet and frantic-looking Cyrus. Eyes wild, breathless, Cyrus walked in, dragging in the rain.

“I fucked up.”

“Cyrus—”

“I fucked up so bad, Matt. I picked up Luci. God, I should not have done that! Fuck!” He was grabbing fistfuls of his hair, pacing back and forth. An unsettling feeling fell over Matt.

“Everything okay?” Both guys looked at Jae standing in the doorframe of the living room.

“Fuck,” said Cyrus. “I forgot your violin lesson. Fuck, I’m sorry.”

“Cyrus, what the fuck did you do?” Matt tried to rein in his anger, the uneasy feeling growing by the second.

Cyrus looked at him, his hair falling over his forehead. “We made out. Shit, we were making out, and we almost…we were so close, Matt, so close to having sex.”

Matthew clenched his fists, staring at his friend. “What happened?” he asked through clenched teeth.

“We didn’t. We didn’t, Matt. I…god, I told her about Tiffany.”

“What?”

His phone. Matthew ran back to the living room, grabbing his phone off the sofa. All the vibrating, all the missed texts, the calls, they had all been from Luci.

Matthew, please pick up.

Matt, Cyrus said he slept with Tiffany.

I need a friend.

Please pick up.

Pick up.

Pick up.

Did you know?”

“You’re such a piece of shit, Cyrus,” he said, grabbing his coat from beside the door.

“Matthew?”

Fuck. He stopped and looked at Jae. This person he had just made out with. This person who was choosing him.

“I’m sorry, I have to go. Our friend…there’s a lot of shit. I’m sorry. Cyrus can take you home.”

“Oh, um, okay.”

“Yeah.” He turned away, grabbing his keys from where they hung on the wall. But before leaving, he looked back over at Jae.

“Jae…do you want to go on a date on Saturday?”

Jae’s eyes lit up. “Yeah, 100 percent.”

“Cool, great.” He looked over at Cyrus, standing in a puddle of his creation. “Get them home safely and lock the fucking door.”

 

Matthew drove quickly in the rain. He tried to dial her, but the phone kept going to voicemail. Please, please be okay, he thought again and again. Matthew thought back to her last text.

Did you know?

Fuck. Lying would be stupid. Of course, he knew there was no keeping that from her. He should have done things differently. He should have told her.

Everything was just so messed up. Hearing about them from Cyrus so casually, as if their making out was nothing out of the ordinary, had been like a punch to the gut. He should have known better. He had known better. When had they crossed the line? When had it become more than just sex?

When had he started to have feelings for her?

Matthew wanted to go back in time and say no. This, whatever this was, had opened up something between them. Something he wasn’t sure he wanted to put back in a box and lock away.

The rain had stopped by the time he got to her apartment. Running up the stairs, two at a time, he ran towards her apartment and knocked three times. Hard.

No answer.

He knocked three more times.

Still no answer.

“Luci! Come on, please, open—”

The door flung open, and there stood Luci, hair damp, curling up from the rain, in an extra-large shirt, barefoot, red-eyed.

And a pocket knife in her hand.

He cursed, storming in, wrestling the knife from her as he kicked the door closed behind him, shoving the knife into his pocket.

“What the fuck, Luci!” he said, snatching up her wrist, holding out her arms for inspection.

“Let go of me!” She snatched her wrists away from him, moving towards the sofa, pulling her legs up to her chest.

“Tell me you didn’t. Please, Lu, please tell me you didn’t hurt yourself.”

“Fuck off.”

“Luci!”

“I didn’t!” she half-sobbed, half-screamed. “I couldn’t. I just, I was so angry, Matthew. But, and this is so pathetic, but it didn’t hurt so badly this time, being heartbroken by him. It used to feel like everything about me would shatter. It didn’t this time; it just hurt, but I don’t know, I guess I’m just used to it.” She looked up at him, eyes watery from behind her glasses. “Can I have my knife back now?”

“Yeah, no. That’s not gonna happen, Lu.” He sat beside her, the silence stretching out between them.

“Did you know?”

“Yes.”

“How long?”

“A couple of weeks now.”

“Asshole.”

“When exactly was I supposed to tell you, Luce? While we were in bed? With my head between your legs? Oh, hey, Cyrus lost his virginity to Tiffany. Like what the fuck.”

“Whatever.”

Another long stretch of silence filled the air. Matthew stared at her, the brokenness of her, fighting every fiber of his being to not pull her onto his lap, to not kiss her, and confess all his feelings to her. He wanted to pull her in, tell her she was too good for Cyrus, tell her he wanted her, and that he would treat her right.

But looking at her, he knew his words…it wasn’t the right time. It would never be the right time.

“We have to stop Luci.”

“Stop what?”

“Us.” He looked away from her. “This, whatever this is, we have to stop.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s gotten complicated, Luci!” he snapped, turning to look at her. “There are feelings here, it’s not just fucking sex anymore. I want you, and as much as you want me, you want him more. And he wants you! You guys made out. You almost had sex. This whole thing is a mess, and I’m done with it. I’m over being used by you, so you can forget.”

He hadn’t meant for it all to come out like that, like a tsunami, washing over them. Matthew stared at her, fighting the urge to not pull her into a kiss.

“Matt—”

“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry, but I can’t keep doing this. I know you said we could try, but you’ll always want Cyrus. And I just…I can’t keep being second best. I deserve someone who chooses me first.”

She stared at him, eyes wide.

“You’re right, you do.” Luci paused, sucking in a deep breath. “Is there someone?”

Matthew stared at her, thinking about what he had done earlier with Jae and the way Jae had smiled at him and only him.

“Yeah, there’s someone.”

Luci nodded. “Okay. I’m happy for you.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry. For letting things get complicated.”

Matthew sighed, leaning back on the sofa. “It wasn’t just you, Luce.”

“I’m sorry for loving him.”

“Luce—”

“I am. After all these years. God, you both were so cruel to me in middle school, so cruel. But I still liked him, and then I began to love him. I’m with him, I’m near him, and it’s like I feel full, and then he breaks my heart, and I shatter. But I’m like a piece of broken glass. I keep coming together and weakening, but I pull myself together.

“But I lose myself. It’s like I lose a piece of myself every time I shatter. And I hate it. I hate being that pathetic. I hate loving him, and I hate myself for loving him when all he does is break my heart.”

“Luce—”

“I just want to be over him! I want to hate him. I’m so tired, Matt. I’m so tired of wanting him, of aching for him, and of thinking of him first thing in the morning. I’m so tired of loving him.”

“I don’t think love works that way. You didn’t choose to love him. You just do. And if you could just be rid of it, well, then that wasn’t love.”

“He doesn’t deserve it.”

“Maybe someday he will.”

“Well, I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of shattering and losing a piece of myself to heartbreak.”

“I get it, Lu, I do.” He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her onto his lap. “I’m sorry.”

“Can you stay?” she asked, leaning her head on his chest, “Just for a little bit.”

“Yeah, I’ll stay.”

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