Luci sat on the roof, writing her book, thinking about stupid boys. Boys she liked, boys she didn’t like, and boys she was screwing. And there were, of course, so many boys in her life. There was Jason, whom she wasn’t sure how she felt about. Sometimes, she wanted to kiss him; other times, he was just the dearest thing to her, like a brother.

Then there was Cyrus, whom she loved. For years, she had had these feelings for him. These overwhelming feelings just made her ache. She thought about his stupid smile and how she hated how much she loved it. Just seeing him smile. She thought about how they were with each other, how being in his orbit filled her with joy. Luci was so sick of feeling this way about him, wanting him every day and trying everything she could to get his attention.

It was pathetic, and she was tired of being a broken record about it. Because, at the end of the day, he only ever wanted her when he was drunk or high, and that just wasn’t enough for her.

And finally, there was Matthew, her former bully turned friend. He had been cruel and nasty, and now, all of a sudden, they could not keep their hands off one another. It was great. Everything about it was great.

Except it was Matthew and Luci; sometimes, when they were wrapped up with one another, Luci wondered how they even got to be there.

“Hey, you.”

Luci looked up at Jason, who walked towards her with his hands in his pockets. Sometimes, when she saw him, her heart fluttered. He looked so angsty at times, his muscles toned, hair shining in the moonlight.

“Hey.”

“Shouldn’t you be in bed?”

“I couldn’t sleep. I felt like writing.”

“You should have called me.”

“Why? You’re here anyway.” She winked at him, closing her notebook. The last thing she needed was for him to see his name doodled along the margins of her book next to Cyrus’s name. No sense in giving him false hope.

Jason smiled at her. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Hmm, a lot of that going around, it seems.”

“Yeah.” He took a seat next to her. “Hey, can I ask you something?”

Uh oh. “Sure.” Her heart raced now, but she tried not to let it show.

“Well, the back-to-school dance, would you like to go with me?”

“What? Oh, I wasn’t really planning on going. Um, I actually already have plans that night.”

“Oh, cool.” Luci didn’t miss the hurt in his voice.

“Plus, I don’t want Liz to give me a hard time again. Or you, ya know.”

Jason grimaced. “Right, yeah. I forgot about her for a second. I guess she would flip out if she saw us together.”

“Our friendship kind of makes her flip out.”

Jason nodded. “Yeah. You know, she called me the other night.”

“How did that go?”

“She was drunk.”

“Wwoooww.”

“Yeah. It was…she told me I was her first love and that I broke her heart.”

Luci almost wanted to laugh, but she just grinned wickedly instead. “What else? Come on, dish, dude.”

“Don’t be petty.”

“I’m allowed.”

Jason sighed. “Doesn’t make you a good person.”

“Doesn’t make me a bad person either.”

They just stared at each other, Luci willing him to argue with her and challenge her. Maybe she was being too petty, but after the whole ‘slut’ incident, she was tired of being the good person everyone thought she was.

Jason finally sighed and relented. “She was sad. She just made me promise never to kiss you.”

This was a surprise, but it shouldn’t have been. Liz had lost her mind when they had been just inches away from one another.

“She doesn’t really have to worry about that.”

“Why not? We almost kissed at the party.”

Luci winced ever so slightly. There it was, the moment she had been avoiding, the discussion she had been trying to avoid for months.

“We were drunk.”

“No, we weren’t.”

Now he wasn’t looking at her, and it broke her heart a little bit. “Jason…it’s complicated. School, everything, all of it is just too complicated.”

“No, it’s really not.”

Luci could hear the pain in his voice. “Yes, Jason, it is.”

“Not really. You’re still waiting for Cyrus, who doesn’t deserve you and will never deserve you. It’s pathetic.”

“Excuse me,” she snapped, slamming her pen on her notebook. She was so done now and knew exactly what to say to make him think twice and permanently shut this conversation down. “You want to talk to me about pathetic?”

“Luci, no, look—”

“No, no, no, let’s talk. I saw you that night.”

His eyes widened. “What are you talking about?”

“Amelia, Jason. You act like you have everything figured out, but you really don’t. I saw you fucking her in your car.” It had been much later in the night, after her little dalliance with Matthew. She knew she wasn’t one to talk, but he didn’t need to know that, especially after calling her pathetic.

“Lu—”

“I went looking for you to talk about that almost-kiss we had.” She had gone looking for him to kiss him, to see if something was there between them. But then she had seen them going at it in the backseat of his car. Bile had risen up in her throat, and she had turned away to go get drunk.

Jason just sat there, staring at her. “It’s not what you think.”

“Really? Then what happened? She just fell on your dick?”

“Fuck Luci.”

Luci didn’t want to even look at him at the moment. She was furious. Furious at herself, furious at him for calling her pathetic. Furious that he was right. “I’m going to bed.”

“Luci, please, just let me say this.”

“Speak then.” She glared at him. Luci really thought she had put those feelings to rest, but apparently, she had not. As if she were one to talk.

“Amelia was a mistake—”

“One you seem to keep making.”

“Can you just shut up for a moment and let me talk?” Luci pursed her lips. Jason sighed again. “Look, Amelia was there; she actually saved me from Liz’s bitching. We hung out, got drunk, and it just happened. We talked about it, and we both agreed that it was a mistake. She knows how I feel about you.”

“Stop.” Jason clamped his mouth shut, looking confused.

“Lu—”

“Please stop,” she said, her voice small. Luci didn’t want to hear his confession, didn’t want to softly reject him, didn’t want to hurt him. “Jason, I…I can’t be in a relationship right now. After last year, god, after everything, I just can’t, and Ms. Enno…she thinks it’s best, too, if I focus on me.”

Jason took a moment to stare at her before nodding and stepping away from her. “I know. But I want you to know one thing.”

“What?” she sighed, eager for this conversation to end.

“That I’m here. That I will wait. That you deserve someone good. Even if something happens with Cyrus, I will still be here because that asshole does not deserve you.” He stepped forward, gently cupping her face. “I’ll be here.” With that, he left, walking back towards the maintenance ladder.

Luci just stared after him, nothing but the wind and stars as company.

“Fuck.”

Matthew knocked on Luci’s door Saturday afternoon. Her mom welcomed him in, pointing at her daughter sitting on the sofa, back to them, headphones on, and her head bobbing to the music. Her mom left him, heading back to the kitchen on the other side of the wall.

Grinning, he stepped up behind the sofa and poked her neck. She just about jumped three feet into the air, shooting him a glare.

“Don’t do that, dude.”

Matthew just laughed. “Your mom said you were in the zone.”

She just rolled her eyes. “Always. I had to get this scene done.”

“Oh yeah,” he said, sitting next to her.

“Yeah. It’s been prickling in my brain, playing like a movie on a loop, making my fingers itch. I just had to get it out.”

“Sounds inspiring.”

“Oh, whatever.” Closing her notebook, she slipped it under one of the sofa pillows, slipping her feet into her three-inch high sandals, buckling them up at the ankle. “See you later, mom.”

“Midnight Cinderella!” called her mother from the kitchen.

Luci rolled her eyes, pulling Matthew from the sofa and grabbing her apartment keys from the hanger by the door.

“Okie dokie,” she called back, pulling him after her.

“You know,” he said, once they were on their way to his car, “We could always go to a school dance. Mine or yours.”

“Ugh, no, thank you. Let’s just chill at the beach until the bonfire.”

“Oh yeah. Pretty sure I have better alcohol at my family beach house than at the bonfire.”

“Good, I could use a drink.”

“Why? Am I not entertaining enough?” He winked at her, unlocking the car doors. She just rolled her eyes at him.

“You’re plenty entertaining. I just want to avoid everyone.”

“Uh oh, what happened?” he said, leaning on the car door as she sat down.

“Jason happened. He asked me out, and then we got into this argument, and he told me he would wait for me.”

Something twisted in Matthew’s gut as he closed her door, making his way to the driver’s seat. He tried not to think too hard about it.

“That sounds like it was a fun conversation.”

“Oh, loads of fun. I told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship. Not to mention I told him I saw him fucking Amelia in his car.”

“Well, shit.”

“It was a shit conversation. So yeah, I need a drink.”

“Well, you’re in luck. The beach house has a fully stocked bar.” He winked at her, starting up the car.

“Do you think the bonfire will attract too many people?”

“Oh, totally. Facebook will do that. Everyone is going to invite everyone else. We’ll be lucky if we don’t get shut down by the cops.”

There was a pause as he pulled onto the street. “Do you think Cyrus will be there?”

Matthew gripped the steering wheel tightly, ignoring the tightness in his gut. “Yeah, probably.”

She groaned. “Great, another guy I’d rather avoid.”

“Cyrus is complicated.”

“No, he’s really not. All he does lately is smoke his stupid pot, which is like, okay, fine, whatever, but he used to actually talk to me. We used to have conversations.”

“He’s just dealing with some stuff.”

“You mean Tiffany.”

They hadn’t spoken that girl’s name in so long that Matthew had almost forgotten all about her. Almost.

“She messaged him the other day.”

Luci threw up her hands, exasperated. “Of course she did. So surprised he didn’t tell me.”

“Have you told him we’re sleeping together?”

“Have you?”

Matthew sighed. “He told her off. He’s just confused.”

“There is no confusion. Cyrus only wants me when he’s high or drunk or taken.”

“Just stop,” he said, pulling over. He couldn’t take much more of this, of her complaints, of the tightness growing inside him. “Luci, just stop. You can’t let others define how you live or want to live. Fuck Cyrus and fuck Jason, just screw them. They can’t figure out what they want, so don’t even bother with them.” Just focus on me, he wanted to say, staring at her.

Luci just stared at him, biting her lip. Then, slowly, her lips curled into a smile.

“You’re just saying that because you benefit.”

Grinning back at her, he leaned forward, kissing her lightly. “Yeah, I do. But I’m also saying that because you’re my friend, and I care about you.”

Kissing him back, she gently nipped at his lower lip. “Okay, let’s go then.”

They decided not to have any drinks. Instead, they just opened the windows to let in the cool ocean breeze. The day had gone a little like this: sex, video games, sex, Netflix, more sex, then, finally, food.

Then they were snuggling, like an actual couple, and it felt good. It felt weirdly right.

“We should get going,” said Matt, looking at his watch briefly before nuzzling her neck and tickling her.

She giggled, swatting at him, wrapping her arms around him. “Do we have to?”

“People know we’re together. They will start to think things if we don’t show up.”

“So let them.” Matthew stopped kissing her neck, sitting up to look down at her. There was something in that earnest expression of hers that gave him hope. But hope for what?

“Luci, we’re not dating.”

“I know. But this arrangement…I kept this a secret because of Jason and Cyrus, but what you said earlier in the car got me thinking: what if I wanted to kiss you tonight? What if I wanted to wrap my arms around you and just be with you?”

“Do you?” he studied how the shadows danced across her face from the light fixtures on the wall.

“I’ve been thinking about it.”

“We could date, you know. Not a real relationship, just a weird, more intimate arrangement.”

“Would you want to?”

“Could we be open?”

She bit down on her lip, trailing her nails down his chest. “Yeah.”

“Then yeah, we can expand this arrangement.” He kissed her then, opening her mouth with his, pulling her tightly against him. It had been killing him, keeping this a secret from Cyrus. But Cyrus was an idiot, and Matthew was tired of living in the shadows.

“Let’s get going,” she said, pulling away.

“Are we going to be Facebook official?” he joked.

“Don’t be such a girl,” she winked, hopping out of bed to get dressed.

Laughing, he followed suit, grabbing his own clothes. His skin was buzzing; he was energized. They were really going to do this.

Walking along the beach, they didn’t hold hands, that was too couply. They just walked along the beach, side by side, silently taking in the night. That was the thing; they didn’t have to talk, didn’t have to fill in the silence between them, they could just be.

At the bonfire, their friends greeted them with smiles, all of them unaware. Matthew gently touched her lower back, telling her he would grab her a drink. Cyrus was at the bonfire already, hitting up a joint with some girl.

Grabbing two Angry Orchards, he made his way back to Luci, who stood apart from the crowd.

“Here ya go.”

“Thank ya kindly.”

“You sound like such a Southern belle when you say that.”

“Whatever, man.”

“So,” he said, sipping his drink, “When do I get that kiss you were talking about?”

“Oh yeah. Totally forgot about that.” Grinning, she got onto her tiptoes, wrapped one arm around his neck, and kissed him on the mouth. He hadn’t actually believed she would do it, but there they were, bodies pressed together, kissing. In public.

He heard people comment and could have sworn he heard someone curse. Then he felt Luci yanked away from him before a solid punch in the jaw sent him to the ground.

“Jason!”

“Fuck man,” he said, grunting, looking at his spilled drink.

“Him!” screamed Jason. “You won’t date me, but you’ll date him!”

“Fuck you!” she screamed, dropping to the ground beside Matthew, lifting up his chin to examine his face.

“No, fuck you!”

“We’re not dating you, asshole,” muttered Matthew. He looked up, catching sight of Cyrus approaching. Maybe this had been a bad idea.

“Oh, so what is this then?”

“Jason, calm down,” said Silvia.

“No, I want to know what the hell this is.”

“It’s sex, okay,” said Luci, looking at Matthew. Matthew studied her face, looking for regret, finding none. She only looked at him with concern.

“That makes it so much better.”

“It makes it uncomplicated,” she snapped.

“So you just led me on.”

“She never did that, man,” said Blake, pulling his friend back. “That was all you, and you know it.”

“Screw you,” said Jason, yanking his arm away from her.

Blake rolled his eyes, grabbing at his arm again. “Come on, let’s go take a walk.” Blake looked at Luci, who mouthed thank you to him as he pulled Jason away.

Silvia stood there, looking down at the semi-couple and then at Cyrus, making his way towards them.

“I’m gonna go get some ice.”

“Thanks, Vee.”

They watched Silvia walk off, looking briefly at Cyrus as he stepped up, hands shoved into his pockets.

“So what’s this?” Cyrus was calm, too calm. Matthew didn’t like it.

“Jason punched him.”

“I saw. That’s not what I was talking about.”

“Cyrus, what do you want?” said Matthew, looking up at his god-brother.

Cyrus looked at him, and Matthew saw something harden in his hazel eyes. “How long?”

Matthew and Luci exchanged a look, and she nodded. “About three weeks now,” he said, staring up at him.

“Huh. So that day I came over, you two weren’t really playing video games, were you?”

“No, we weren’t,” said Luci, staring at him, chest rising and falling quickly. Matthew waited for her to say something to denounce what they were doing, but she didn’t. They just stared at each other, studying the other.

“Huh. Well, I guess be happy I’m too high to care—”

“Don’t do that,” she snapped, standing tall, shoving him back. He just stared at her, stunned.

“You’re an ass,” she continued, shoving him again. “The only time you want me is when you’re high or drunk or I’m taken, so I am done with you. So don’t go acting like a jealous ex. You don’t get that right.” She shoved him again. “Get lost, Cyrus.”

Turning her back to him, she sat back down next to Matthew.

Matthew looked at Cyrus one last time. He had an unreadable expression but looked away, walking back towards the crowd gathering by the fire. Matthew let him go. He didn’t even know what he would say to him, what he could say to him.

“Back.” Silvia approached a cup of ice in her hand. “Here you go.”

“Thanks.” Matthew held the cold red solo cup to his chin.

“You know, you could have picked a better moment.”

“No moment would have been good,” muttered Luci.

Silvia let out a deep breath. “Maybe not. But anytime other than a bonfire full of drunken high teens would have probably been better. Anyway, I’m gonna go check on the guys. Later.”

“Bye, Vee.”

Once they were alone again, Luci found his hand with hers in the sand, lacing her fingers with his. Matthew looked at her tentatively.

“You okay?” she asked.

“I’ve had worse.”

“I didn’t think that would happen.”

He studied her. “Do you regret it?”

She shook her head, smiling softly. “No. I’m glad everyone knows. It’s better this way.” Luci leaned forward, kissing him. “Besides, I like being able to do that whenever I want.”

“Yeah, I kinda like that too.”

Pre-Order ‘New Girl,’ the first in my YA Romance series.