Cyrus and Matthew took separate cars to the apartment complex. Cyrus didn’t want to ride in the same car with them. Besides, not everyone was going to fit in Matthew’s car. Of course, he knew Jason would ride in his car. It was a given, and it was going to be awkward.

Cyrus still wasn’t really talking to Matthew. But what could he do? Other than admitting his feelings, which he wasn’t going to do under any circumstances.

That would mean admitting what he did.

Pulling up behind Matthew and parking beside him, he let him lead the way towards the pool where everyone was waiting. Blake and Becca had their surfboards. He was a little shocked to see Becca standing with everyone as if nothing had happened. But if Luci invited her, he wouldn’t hold a grudge. If they made peace, then he would, too.

“Hey, guys,” said Matthew, wrapping his arm around Luci, kissing her cheek. Cyrus clenched his fist, trying not to ignore how his gut twisted at the sight. For two people who claimed not to be a couple, they certainly acted like it.

“Let’s get going.” Luci didn’t look at him, avoiding his gaze. He hated how that made him feel, the way she tried not to look at him. He needed a moment with her, just one moment to…to what? He didn’t know what he was doing anymore.

“We took separate cars.” Luci stopped walking and stared at Matt, who had just shrugged. “We weren’t all going to fit in my car.”

“Right. Duh. Okay, then, let’s sort. I’m obviously going to ride with Matt.”

“I’ll ride with Cyrus,” said Jason, just as Cyrus had predicted.

“I’ll ride with the two love-struck idiots,” said Blake, rolling his eyes.

“Dude!” exclaimed Jason.

“I’ll ride with Matt,” jumped Silvia, changing the subject.

“Me too!” jumped Olivia, sidling up to Silvia’s side. Cyrus caught the way Silvia’s cheeks turned bright red.

“I’ll ride with Cyrus,” said Becca meekly. “Is there room for my board?”

“Yeah, I’ve got room. Come on, let’s get going.”

Cyrus walked off, brushing past Luci. She still didn’t look at him. He wanted her to look at him; he missed the way she looked at him. Fists clenched in his pocket, he got into the car, slamming the door harder than he had intended.

“Smooth, dude,” said Blake, hopping into the passenger side.

“Shut up.”

“You know,” said Jason, hopping into the backseat, “You don’t even deserve her.”

Yup, awkward. “I’m gonna pretend you didn’t say that so that I don’t kick you out of my car.”

“Ignore him,” said Blake. “He’s been like this all week.”

“I’m sure.”

Becca hopped into the car last, ensuring the boards’ fastenings were secure. “You know, you guys haven’t made her life easy.” She eyed Jason and Cyrus, buckling her seat belt.

Cyrus gripped the steering wheel tightly, knuckles white. He was so happy for the bundle of pot in his pocket right now; otherwise, he didn’t know how he would last the day, feeling like he was going to explode.

“No one told them to start fucking,” muttered Cyrus.

“That’s their business. Maybe if you had told her how you felt instead of playing with her feelings, she would be in this car, not that one.”

Cyrus glared at her through the rearview mirror. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Right. And you, Jason, you’re supposed to be one of her best friends, but that shit that went down last year, you didn’t do anything to make it better.”

“Oh, like you did, dropping her the way you did.”

Rebecca glared at him. “I’m here now. I can be friends with both of them.”

“Riiiight, as if Liz would let you.”

“Yo,” called Matthew from his car, arm hanging out the window, “We’re ready. What’s the holdup?”

Everyone slumped into their seats, and Blake let out a bitter laugh. “This is gonna be a fun car ride.”

It was a brilliant, sunny, breezy day at Hollywood Beach. Silvia shielded her eyes from the sun as she took in the beach and Matthew’s family beach house. It was beautiful, white, and oh so very fancy. Sometimes, she forgot just how rich Cyrus and Matthew were compared to the rest of them. Silvia was so sure she was going to break something.

Glass doors led onto the back deck that led to the beach. She thought it was a good setup, noting the table and little bonfire on the side. Luci, who had brought her notebook (as always), went straight to the table, headphones in, and settled herself there to write. Just like her to get lost in her own world without a word to anyone else. Silvia studied her, the way her hand flew across the paper, wondering what had suddenly inspired her.

Looking back at Matthew and Cyrus, both guys stayed far apart from one another, refusing to look at one another. Silvia caught Cyrus as he set up the chairs around the fire pit, sparing a glance at Luci when Matt wasn’t looking. As awkward as the day would be, she wasn’t about to let it ruin her mood. This was not her drama to deal with.

She had enough of her own.

“Let’s play some volleyball!” said Olivia, popping up next to her, ball in her hands.

Silvia didn’t know why her popping up at her side made her skin tingle or why it caught her off guard. But the whole car ride had felt like that, energy buzzing between them.

“Um, sure.”

“We’re gonna hit the waves,” said Blake, nodding at himself and Becca, their wetsuits on, boards in hand.

Suddenly, as if finally aware of them, Luci looked up. Guess her music wasn’t blaring for once.

“You’re all leaving?”

<p>“Come play with us!” said Olivia, smiling. “You can write whenever you want.”

Luci bit down on her lower lip, looking at the three guys who had settled themselves around the fire pit. Matthew just shrugged.

“Um, okay. Matt, keep an eye on my notebook. Don’t let anything roll away.”

He gave her a thumbs-up. “Gotcha.”

Becca lingered for a moment longer, staring at the guys.

“Becca?”

Becca looked at Blake, and they shared a look. Silvia wondered what had happened on that car ride. “I’ll meet you in the water; give me a sec.”

He nodded in understanding and ran ahead. Silvia lingered for a moment, looking at Becca and watching her walk towards the guys who had settled themselves in bitter silence with her surfboard under her arm. Olivia pulled Luci along after her, but Silvia lingered on the stairs, watching, waiting, listening.

“You’re all assholes.” They all turned to look at her. “Well, except you,” she said, pointing at Matthew. “But you two, you’re assholes. How about instead of sulking, you actually talk to Luci and listen to where she is coming from? She’s had a shit year; the least you could do is listen to her.”

“Like you’ve been the best of friends,” Jason retorted. Silvia ran to her defense, but Becca raised her hand to stop her.

“You’re right. But I’m here now. I’m listening to her. It’s her life, and you’re not making it easy.”

With that, Becca walked off, pulling Silvia along after her.

“Becca, that was—”

“They deserved it.”

“Yeah, they sure did. I’m proud of you.”

Both girls stopped, their feet in the sand, and stared at each other. “Yeah, I’m proud of me too.”

The guys watched the girls vanish onto the beach. Matthew stared at Luci, who was with Olivia, practicing her hits. Somehow, she was a natural.

“Becca’s right,” said Matt, pulling out his phone.

“Fuck you.”

Cyrus’s voice was harsh, cruel. Matthew just stared at his friend, a bitterness rising up inside him.

“You know what, fuck off, Cyrus. If you want her, there she is, right there in a cute purple bikini top and tight black shorts. You want her, go tell her. If not, yeah, the least you could fucking do is talk to her and listen. Maybe even explain yourself.” He got up, tossing his phone onto Luci’s notebook on the table. “I’m gonna go play some volleyball. Sit here and smoke a joint as always.”

“I’m coming too.” Matthew just stared at Jason, confused. Jason shrugged, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Becca’s not completely wrong.”

Cyrus sat there sulking. Looking at Luci on the beach, he watched as Matthew wrapped his arms around her waist. Angrily, he got up and grabbed her notebook. On the first page, in the margins, was his name surrounded by a couple of hearts. His name, not Matthew’s.

Closing the notebook, he put Matt’s phone back on top and settled himself into his chair. He sat there watching Luci, watching her laugh and smile, confused about what to do next.

She wouldn’t want him when she found out what he did, and he couldn’t be with her without being honest.

So he sat there, confused about what to do next.

As the sun set, Becca sat with Blake on the beach, covered in sea and sand, feeling better than she had in weeks.

“I’m glad you came,” blurted Blake, brushing his hair out of his eyes.

“You are?” she stared at him, stunned.

“Yeah.” Blake offered her a small smile. Once upon a time, a smile like that would have undone her. “I mean, I know it’s tough. I get it. Liz has been your friend forever. I get it, but I don’t like it.”

Becca looked away, picking at the sand that had built up under her nails.

“Honestly, I’m not even sure we’re friends anymore.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. She’s not the same person. All she does is hang out with Evie, who is, god, she’s awful.”

“A bitch. She’s a bitch.”

Becca laughed. “Yeah.” They sat silently for a moment, the only sound of the crashing waves around them.

“I’m sorry, you know.”

“Huh?”

<p“About our breakup.”

Now, that caught Becca off guard. “Oh!”

“Yeah.” She watched him move his hand through his hair. “I mean, I’m not sorry about breaking up, but I am sorry about how it happened.”

She nodded. She understood that part, how they both fell apart over something that wasn’t even about them. “Yeah. Me too.”

“Let’s get back to the house. I’m hungry.” He stood up, offering her a hand. It took her just a second, but she accepted it. Standing together, eye to eye, they smiled, and it felt like Becca was finally putting herself back together.

“Do you think the guys got their shit sorted out?”

“Fuck no,” he laughed, grabbing his board. “Jason doesn’t get it. Cyrus has his head up his ass, and Matthew? If you ask me, he’s falling for her.” Becca nodded in silent agreement, grabbing her own board.

“I’m glad Jason hung out with us,” said Olivia, leaning her head on Silvia’s shoulder. Both girls sat on the bottommost step towards the desk, looking out onto the beach. Silvia felt hot where her head was, and could feel her heart racing. She thought back to the party, the drunken thing she had done.

“Oh, yeah, me too.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“About what?”

“Our kiss.”

Silvia felt her face burning. Olivia laughed a soft, gentle sort of thing, teasing and playful.

“I didn’t think you remembered.”

“Oh, come on. I was only a little tipsy.”

Silvia didn’t know what to say; she didn’t even know how to react. This whole conversation had taken a turn she hadn’t seen coming.

“Oh, um, well—”

“I don’t regret it. In case you were wondering.”

“You don’t?” Olivia shook her head, her red hair blowing in the wind, reminding her of Merida from Brave. A small, playful smile played on her lips. “Oh. Well—”

“In fact,” she said, leaning close to Silvia, “I’d like to do it again.”

“Really?”

“If that’s okay with you.”

Silvia nodded slowly, her heart racing. She thought about it late in the night when she couldn’t sleep. She had thought about how her lips had felt, how they had bumbled, scraped their teeth, and found their tongues intertwined. Silvia thought about how much she had liked it.

Olivia brought her face towards hers, her lips finding hers. This wasn’t the same kind of drunken kiss from that night. This was careful, shy even. But Silvia opened her mouth towards hers, and they found their rhythm, their hands finding their way around each other’s necks, their bodies slowly pressed together on the step.

Olivia pulled away first, leaning her forehead against Silvia’s. “Silvia, I really like you.”

“I like you too.”

“So, can we like each other together?”

Silvia laughed, her heart racing. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

They joined everyone else hand in hand. Everyone just looked at them, and Silvia knew it was coming by the slow, giant grin that exploded on Luci’s face.

“I knew it! You guys are so cute together.” Leave it to Luci to make a fuss.

“Gee, thanks.”

“I need to hear everything. But I need to get some of this sand off first. I’m gonna hop in the shower real quick.”

Luci hopped up from her seat (her seat being Matthew’s lap) and ran off into the house. She had just reached the bedroom, unaware she had been followed.

“Hey, Lu.”

Spinning around, she stood face to face with Jason. How had she not noticed he followed her? Why had he followed her to the bedroom?

“Jason, hi.”

“Can we talk?”

She really didn’t want to. She just wanted to wash the sand off her skin and not think about him or how Cyrus had watched her for most of the day. She didn’t want to think about how that made her feel.

“Um, yeah, sure.” She sat on the edge of the bed, the only thing worth sitting on in the room.

Jason took a tentative seat beside her, placing his hand on hers. Luci just stared at it, the warmth it had, and how she wanted to snatch it away.

“I’m sorry for how I acted.”

“Oh?” Luci looked up at him, meeting his eyes cautiously.

“Yeah. Today reminded me how much fun I have being your friend, and I get it. Liz…I hear what’s being said about you. I did the cheating, and I—”

“You’re a guy. Double standards.”

He took his hand off hers and rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah. Look, I know I’ll always be the second fiddle next to Cyrus, but with Liz…you can’t let her control your life.”

Luci sighed. “You’re right. But Jason, I can’t. I’m sorry. It’s just too hard right now. Every day, everyone looks and sneers at me and, ugh, the comments. I’m so sick of it. Some days, I feel like quitting, like I’m all alone, and there’s this wall. It crushes me, and I can’t believe I haven’t collapsed. I feel like just letting go and drowning.”

“Lu…I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. You’re not responsible. And I shouldn’t have kissed him. There were so many times I should have fought Francis off me. But I didn’t. I just let it happen.”

“Lu, you said no; that should have been enough.”

Luci just shrugged. She tried not to think about it. “It wasn’t. Anyway, everything at school is a mess.”

Jason pulled her close, pressing his forehead against hers. It felt nice to be held like this by him.

“I’m here for you whenever you need me. Just know I’m here. No matter what.”

“Jason—”

They were so close, and she knew, god, she knew talking to him on a bed was not safe. It was stupid.

“Luci—” He said her name like a breath before kissing her. The smart thing would have been to push him away. But Luci was not smart. Instead, she let herself fall deeper into the kiss, pulling him down on her, all while her head was screaming for her to stop. It felt right and wrong all at the same time. But it was the wrongness that finally woke her up.

He was not Matthew.

He was not Cyrus.

And this was a mess she didn’t want.

Luci finally pushed him off her, standing up. “No. Jason, I’m sorry.”

“Fuck no, Lu, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you.” He stood, mussing up his hair. “I’m gonna go for a walk.” Luci stood, listening to him walk out the door and waiting until the door was closed before jumping into the shower.

Cyrus watched Jason leave. Had watched him follow Luci into the house, playing the scenarios in his head, his imagination driving him wild. He waited a moment before walking into the house and down the hall towards the bedroom.

Cyrus heard the shower running, took stock of her bikini clothes on the floor, sat on the edge of the bed, and waited.

When Luci came out, wrapped in nothing but a towel, he wanted to kiss the shock away. But then he saw the anger.

“What do you want?”

“To talk.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you high?”

“Not anymore.”

This seemed to catch her by surprise. “Really?”

“Luci, can we please just talk?”

Luci gripped the towel around herself tighter. “Yeah. Okay.” He watched her take a tentative seat next to him.

“I don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

“This whole thing with Matthew.”

“It’s nothing. It’s just nothing to worry about. It’s casual.”

“But why?”

“Because you don’t want me!” Cyrus stared at her, at the rage brimming in her eyes

“Luci—” He didn’t know how to tell her that wasn’t true. He didn’t know how to tell her what it was without her hating him.

“No. Just listen. It’s nice to be wanted. Matthew wants me, not romantically, sure, but it’s fun, and it’s easy, and it helps me forget about you. Even if for a moment.”

Cyrus stood up, his body brimming with heat and energy. The things he wanted to say, the things he wanted to do.

God, this was a mistake.

“Luci—”

Luci grabbed his arm and spun him around to face it. It was too much being this close to her. “I am here, Cyrus. Do you want me or not? What are you so scared of?”

There it was, the truth of the matter.

“Luci, you love me and—”

“And what?”

“I don’t know if I love you. I mean. I care about you; I do. Right now, god, I want to kiss you. God, I want so many things. I want this moment with you. But you love me, and I don’t know if I do.”

That wasn’t what he was scared of. No, he was scared of not deserving her, of being so undeserving of her. And he knew he was scared of being unable to love her how she deserved to be loved. He was scared of ruining whatever fragile relationship he had with her.

“You don’t have to be scared.” Luci stepped up closer to him, and he let her. Cyrus leaned his head down towards her, his hands lingering on the hem of the towel. God, the things he wanted to do. He wanted to rip the towel off her. He wanted to be deserving of the gentle way she cupped his face.

But he wasn’t.

“Luci, I can’t. I just can’t.” With that, he spun around and ran as quickly as he could.

Matthew found him on the side of the house smoking a joint.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“I don’t fucking deserve her.”

“Don’t you think that’s for her to decide?”

“I can’t. I can’t risk losing her. What if we date, and I fuck up, and I lose her forever?”

Matthew just shrugged. “That’s life.”

“But I don’t want to lose her!”

They stood there, facing one another. Cyrus was trembling, trembling with fear, with anger.

Matthew studied him, looking at his friend pitifully. “This isn’t healthy, man.”

Cyrus hung his head in despair, leaning over the railing. “I know. I’m terrified, Matt. I’m just fucking terrified. She loves me, and what if I can’t love her the way she deserves? She deserves someone like Jason, not me. Someone good.”

Matthew rubbed Cyrus’s back. “I’ll stop. If that’s what you need, I’ll end everything. Just say the word.”

Cyrus shook his head. “No. She said you distract her from me. Maybe if you do it long enough, she’ll get over me. Move on.”

Matthew laughed. “We might as well get married then because that’s never going to happen.”

Cyrus didn’t laugh with him. “Just go check on her. I—I hurt her again.”

Matthew let out a deep sigh. “Yeah, okay.”

Matthew walked in on Luci sitting alone in the dark.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

“Cyrus told me what happened.”

“He’s an ass.” He heard the pain there, the anger. A small, bitter part of him hated how much she loved his best friend. How much she felt. He hated how ugly it felt to be jealous of his friend.

Ignoring the feelings, he went to the bed, lying beside her with his eyes closed. He felt the bed shift, felt her straddle him. Opening his eyes, he stared at her, towel gone, hair wet.

“Luce—”

“Matthew,” she said, leaning down, forehead pressed against his, hands on his waist. “Please make me forget.”

Matthew took a deep breath before grabbing her and flipping her back onto the bed. He pushed down the feelings of resentment as he took off his trunks, sliding deep into her.

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