Lucita sat in the school counselor’s waiting room on Wednesday afternoon. Matt said he’d pick her up, and her mom said it was okay for her to hang out with him as long as she was home by 8pm to do her homework.

“Luci, I’m ready for you.”

Luci hopped up and went into the office.

“Hi, Ms. Enno.”

“Hello Luci, how are we today?”

Shrugging, she fell into the loveseat by the wall. “Um, okay, I guess.”

“How was homecoming?”

Memories of time spent in Matt’s car made Luci’s cheek burn. “It was fun.”

“Fun? I heard a fight almost broke out.”

Luci winced. Ms. Enno couldn’t know everything that happened; she’d be expelled otherwise, and they would be having a much different conversation.

“Um, yeah—”

“In fact,” began Ms. Enno, her brown eyes boring into Luci, “I heard you assaulted a girl. Is this true?”

“What! I—” It was no use lying. She could tell by the way Ms. Enno stared at her, hands laced together in front of her. She already knew the truth of it. Sighing, she looked away, ashamed. “Yes, it is.”

“Hmm, I thought so. You’re lucky Elizabeth came to me and not the principal. By rights, I should report you.”

“What? Wait, Elizabeth was here?”

Ms. Enno nodded. “Yes. Elizabeth is the girl who almost failed you, correct? The girl who is consistently spreading rumors about you, is she not?”

Lucita’s hands clenched into fists in her lap. She tried to rein in her fury. “Yes.”

“I thought so. I had to look over my notes to make sure. In any case, considering all that, I told her that I could not recommend any punishment for you without proof or another student to back up her claims. Neither she nor her friend Evie, who Francis quickly threw under the bus last year, is a credible source. No one else has been willing to substantiate her claims, so I cannot take action.” Ms. Enno gave her a demure smile, catching Luci by surprise.

“Oh!”

“Don’t think this gets you off the hook. I need you to talk to me about what happened and why. Now, what happened?”

Luci bit her lip. “It started with a guy.”

“Okay.”

“I was making out with this guy who is kinda but not really my boyfriend.”

“Does that bother you?”

“Oh no, that’s fine. It was my idea. But the guy I really like saw us and started acting like a jealous jerk. He does this. He doesn’t want to date me but gets jealous if I’m with someone else. I hate it. So I got mad.”

“And then?”

Luci let out a deep breath. “I was dancing and saw Evie and Liz harassing my two friends. See, they are a same-sex couple, and I thought they were being homophobic.”

“Were they?”

“No. They were just being nasty because one of the girls is Evie’s ex, apparently. They’re miserable, so they want to make everyone else miserable. And it pissed me off. And I said something. I stood up for my girls and my friends. But then Liz punched me.”

“So she attacked first?”

“Yeah. And I retaliated. God, I’m so tired of being her punching bag. So I kicked her.”

Ms. Enno’s eyes widened. “You kicked her?”

“Twice,” she said bashfully. She wasn’t really ashamed. Liz deserved it, but maybe kicking her had been a bit too extreme. “And I probably would have kept kicking her had Matt not dragged me away.”

Ms. Enno stared at her, an indescribable look on her face. “Luci,” she began, her voice almost a hush, concern lacing each syllable, “This is very serious.”

“I know! I was just so angry. I was angry at everything. I was angry for letting her get to me, for letting it bother me. I was just so angry. And it felt good, for once, to remind people that I’m not a weakling.”

“I don’t think anyone thinks you’re a weakling. You walk through the halls, head held high. It’s not a weakness to show restraint.”

“Tell that to everyone out there.”

This time, Ms. Enno let out a deep breath, eyes closed. When she next opened them, they bore into Luci with pity and kindness. “Lucita, I’m going to be blunt. You assaulted a classmate.”

“I know.”

“This one time, I will not report you. But you must understand that behavior like that could get you arrested. You are a bright girl with a bright future. Don’t squander it because you’ve had enough.”

“I just want it all to stop.”

“And I understand that I do. But that is why you have my number. I am here for you. Do you understand?” Luci nodded. “Good. Now tell me about after?”

Thinking of Matt’s touch lit her on fire. “Oh, um, Matt took me back to his car to calm me down.”

“Did it help?”

Luci recalled just how delicately he had sucked on her breasts, how his fingers had played with her as if she were a violin.

“Yeah. Matt’s a good guy. He knows how to distract me.” More images popped up. Him shirtless, his lips on her neck.

“Okay, so then why aren’t you dating him?”

“It’s complicated.”

“How so?”

“I love his best friend. The guy who doesn’t want to be with me.”

“Love? That’s a strong word.”

“I do love him,” she said defensively. Just because she was young didn’t mean she didn’t know what she felt.

“I’m not saying you don’t. How long have you loved him?”

“Years. I’ve known him since 6^th grade. When I’m around him, my heart, it hurts. It feels full. And then he breaks it, and it hurts.”

“Alright. Tell me why Matt is ‘kind of not really’ your boyfriend? Do you have sex?”

“Oh, um—” She didn’t know if she was quite that comfortable with Ms. Enno.

“Everything here is confidential. Unless it’s something I have to report, I don’t tell your mother anything.”

“Oh, okay. Well, um, yeah, we do have sex. We sort of lost our virginities to one another last year.”

“That’s pretty serious.”

“I guess.”

“So you lost your virginity to him, but you don’t want to be in a relationship with him? You just want sex?”

The way she put it made Luci feel uncomfortable. “I just want something that’s not complicated.”

“Why would being in a relationship with him be complicated? Why can’t it be real?”

“Because—I don’t know. I like him, but would it really be fair to pursue it if I love someone else?”

“You make a good point. But ask yourself this: have you ever made a true effort to get over the guy you love? What if waiting for him means you’re losing the chance to find love somewhere else?”

Matt packed up his violin after band practice. He was one of the few students who could play multiple instruments, Cyrus being the other. Cyrus sat next to him, cleaning the mouthpiece of his clarinet.

“Wanna hang out later?” Matt looked over at Cyrus, watching him carefully. Things had been weird between them since homecoming.

“I can’t. I promised Luci I would pick her up. Her therapy session is today.”

“Oh. How’s that going? Is it helping?”

“Yeah.”

“She’s not hurting herself again, is she?”

Matt shook his head. “No. She admitted she thinks about it. But no, she doesn’t.”

“Okay, good.” Silence and tension filled the space between them. “Are you just dropping her off at home?”

“No.” Matt was curt, the word coming out harsher than he had intended, inviting more silence as they just stared at each other, each one studying the other. Another beat passed before Cyrus nodded.

“Right.”

“You can come by if you want. Later. My mom and dad are back in town. We can do dinner.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Hey, are you Matthew?” Both guys turned to stare at the intruder, this person who had cut into the tension between them, albeit thankfully. Matt took in the new person, with olive skin, curly brown hair, and a soft smile.

“Um, yeah. Who are you?”

“I’m Jae. J-A-E, not J-A-Y. And my pronouns are they/them for the record.”

“Oh, um, okay.”

“Someone told me you could give me violin lessons?”

“Huh, oh yeah, I can.”

“Great!” They stuck out their hand. Matt just stared at it, confused as they wiggled their fingers. “Your phone. You’re gonna need my number to set up a date.”

“Right.” Flustered, Matt pulled his phone out of his pocket, quickly unlocked it, and handed it to them.

They were quick, typing in their number and sending themselves a quick test before tossing the phone back to Matt so quickly that he almost dropped it.

“Awesome. Text me when it’s a good time to meet up.” Then they were off.

“Who was that?”

“Someone who just gave you their number. Come on, let’s get going.” Matt didn’t miss the sour tone in his friend’s voice.

Luci lay in Matt’s bed, still thinking about what the counselor had said. Matt nibbled on her neck, one hand playing with her. His mouth moved down to her breast, and her back arched in response.

“Matt—”

“Shh,” he said, trailing kisses down her body. He didn’t want her to talk today. Didn’t want her to ask questions that he knew she was thinking.

She moaned against him while he took her in, his mouth between her legs. He was taking his time with her today, feeling bitter and resentful, ignoring her moans for more. He didn’t know how long he would avoid the questions; he didn’t want to wonder if his answers would mean the end of whatever this was.

Matt took a moment to slip on the condom before thrusting himself into her. God, he was angry, angry at her for coming to him, angry at her for making him think, even for a moment, that they could have something real. So he wasn’t gentle. He was rough, pushing himself deeper and deeper into her, forcing his thrust to be hard and fast.

Roughly, he pulled her onto his lap, letting her straddle him, finding her lips with his. God, he wanted her, every inch of her.

“Matt—” she began, breathless.

“No, Lu, not right now.” He dug his hands into her thigh.

“Please,” she moaned, her body moving in sync with his, her breath hot on his neck. “Please, Matt, what if we gave ourselves a chance, a real chance?”

Matt stopped moving, pinning her hips down. He stared at her painfully. He wanted to, so desperately, he wanted to take her and make her his. But he knew just why he couldn’t.

“Can you honestly tell me Cyrus wouldn’t get in the way? Tell me you wouldn’t leave the moment he stopped being scared.”

Luci just stared at him, mouth slightly open, the truth clear in her eyes. But he already knew it.

“I can’t.”

“Then there’s no point in trying, in being more.”

He let her go, his hands falling to his sides, but she still stayed put, arms wrapped around his neck.

“Luci—”

“I’m sorry.”

He stared at her, could tell she was, could tell that something was there between them. Could tell she had feelings for him. But that only made it hurt worse, wanting her, knowing whatever she felt for him wasn’t enough.

“Do you want me to fuck you?” he said, leaning his forehead against her, his hands cupping her, pulling her closer.

“Yes,” she whispered, her voice a husky whisper filled with longing.

“Then I will.” And he kissed her roughly, happy when she matched his intensity, nipping at his lower lip. If he couldn’t have all of her, he’d take what he could get.

Cyrus left his key at Matt’s house, but he knew where the hide-a-key was. Taking it from its spot, he let himself in. But the moment he entered, he wished he hadn’t.

He heard them all the way downstairs, Luci’s voice echoing in the otherwise quiet house. Fist clenched, he made his way to the kitchen, wincing every time she screamed his name, every time she moaned for more, torturing himself. Why not? He deserved it.

Cyrus didn’t know how much time had passed when Matt finally came into the kitchen in nothing but a pair of boxers.

“Fuck, dude. When I said come over, I meant later.”

“Sorry.” He looked past his shoulder. “Luci coming down? Should I leave?”

Matt rolled his eyes, serving himself a cup of water. “She’s taking a nap. She tends to do that…after.”

“All the time?”

“Pretty much. What would you like more information on?”

Matt was glaring at him for what, he didn’t know, but he didn’t have to take it. “Fuck you.”

“No, really, do you want to know how soft her skin is? How good she feels? What she taste like? Cause I’ll fucking tell you since you’re too much of a coward to find out for yourself.”

Cyrus shoved him into his fridge, knocking off a couple of magnets, including a photo of them at a younger age after soccer practice, their arms around each other, grinning. Where were those two boys now, he wondered.

“Fuck you.”

“No, fuck you. You come here, to my house, and act like some martyr, like I’ve done you some great wrong. I’m done apologizing. I’ve asked you repeatedly to tell me to stop. You fucking encourage me. Until you’re faced with it. Just stop being a coward. Do you think she cares about how you used to treat her? She couldn’t give a shit; she’s over it.”

“That’s not it.”

“Then what the fuck is it? Why do you keep saying you don’t deserve her—”

“I slept with Tiffany.”

Matt just stared at him, mouth hanging open at the revelation. “What?”

The words tasted like bile in his mouth. “I lost my virginity to Tiffany…after I already knew everything.”

Matt just kept staring at him like he was a stranger. “You can’t tell Luci. Ever.”

“I know.”

“Why? Why the fuck would you do that? When did you mess up so bad?”

Cyrus took a seat on one of the stools in the kitchen. “She came by over the summer. She came to apologize. I was so pissed at her, but she seemed so sincere. So I took her to the beach. We hung out, talked, and even argued. At the end of it, I kissed her. I don’t know why I did it. I keep thinking about it…I don’t know why, when I just thought about Luci the whole time.”

Matt stood there, staring at him, his hazel eyes burning into him. “You’re right, you don’t deserve Luci.”

“Fuck off. Look, I mean, I’m pissed, okay. I was still pissed off that you both lost your virginity to each other. I’m still angry that you got to be her first. Like fuck, you knew…” He stopped, letting out an exasperated breath. “I was angry, okay. I know that’s not an excuse, but that’s what was going through my head. But through it all, I was thinking about Luci.”

A part of Matt wanted Luci to find out, use this, and move on from him. But the pain, he knew the pain she would feel, and he couldn’t do that to her.

“You can’t tell her. Ever.”

“I know.”

“Of all the girls, you just had to choose the one that would hurt her the most.”

“I regret it every day.”

A thought just occurred to Matt, leaving his heart racing. “Fuck.”

“What?”

Matt gave his friend a sidelong glance. “Evie knows,” he said, remembering her sneer.

Cyrus’s eyes widened. “Fuck.”

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