Picking at her nails, Lucita sat beside Elizabeth in French class. The teacher was just going on about the project she was going to assign after winter vacation. It was a little more involved and developed than the project from the previous year, but nothing Luci couldn’t handle. It was obvious she and Liz would partner up. They always partnered in everything in the class.

As the clock went on ticking, the teacher went on to talk about the midterm. Joy, she thought, midterms. The semester seemed to fly by, just another month and a half, only 5 weeks, including Thanksgiving week, which didn’t really count since there was only school for two days.

And then, after that Christmas…

Where had all the time gone?

Ugh, she was dreading Christmas. Her family wanted to see her. Her father…

No, her family was the last thing she wanted to think about. No, she wouldn’t go. She didn’t want to deal with them. All the drama, all the secrets, no, she didn’t want any more of that.

The bell rang, jogging her from her thoughts. No, she had more important things to think about than herself. Like Chris. But he hadn’t been at school, making Lucita worry. He had been drunk and high at the Halloween dance, and last she had seen of him, he had been caught by security. Maybe he was suspended for the week? Yeah, that had to be it, suspended.

Chris had been so nice to her when she first met him before she found her footing.

And then, at the party, he had been so mean, more Hyde than Dr. Jekyll.

Walking in a daze towards her next class, she let the faces of everyone around her blur together. Until she saw Samantha right outside her classroom.

“Samantha!”

Samantha, blond hair in a tight pony tail turned and looked at her. Samantha was not someone she would call a friend, but she had known her briefly, sitting next to her in math and letting her copy from her tests.

“Lucita, hey. What’s up?”

“Not much. Um, have you seen Chris? I was looking for him earlier.”

“No, we don’t really talk much anymore. He’s become more like you, a bit of an introvert.” Samantha began examining her nails. Long, pink, and stiletto-shaped with rhinestones in the center. How very…her.

Lucita tried not to take any offense at her tone. “Okay, well, I’m just a little worried about him. The last time I saw him was at the Halloween party, and…well, he didn’t seem okay. He seemed like he was drunk and maybe high on something.”

Samantha seemed to finally be listening to her, her eyes widening in response.

“What?”

“You didn’t know?”

“I didn’t go.”

“Oh. Well, he kinda let it slip the other day during lunch that he was in therapy, and I know you two are close—”

“I’m gonna stop you right there. Chris is my friend, so I’ll figure this out. And why do you care all of a sudden? You’ve got your new friends, not that I’m complaining, and dropped us. You’re one of the most selfish people I know. So don’t act like you’re concerned.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. You’re self-absorbed. Deal with it.” The bell rang, making her run into the classroom. Lucita stood there momentarily stunned until the teacher called her into the classroom, drawing the students’ stares around her.

Dropping her bag on the floor next to her chair, she rifled through for her notebook. Selfish? Was she really?

“Guys, am I selfish?” asked Lucita, setting her tray down, ready to share her lunch and give it away.

“Oh yeah,” said Silvia, taking the cookie off her plate.

“But in an adorable, sweet way,” said Rebecca, leaning against Blake.

“Seriously? I’m selfish?” That had not been the answer she had been looking for.

“Only a little bit,” said Liz, ripping the hamburger in half. “I mean, you’re selfish, but you’re just as caring. And it’s not as though you’re purposefully selfish. You just like things a particular way, and once your mind is set, you just do it.” Lucita stared at her briefly. Was that how people really saw her? Mindlessly, she grabbed her half of the hamburger and took a bite out of it.

Selfish, was she really selfish? She knew her mother was, always doing anything she wanted without regard to other people. Lucita didn’t want to be like that. She just didn’t. Lucita just tried to be nice, tried to be the best person she could be. She didn’t want to be like her mother, demanding everyone’s devotion and making people feel like they weren’t good enough for her. She wasn’t good enough for her father, for her mother, for her family. She was always falling short of perfection.

Was she really like her mother? No. No, no, no, no, no, she couldn’t be like her. No, no, no, no, no, she didn’t want to be like her!

“Lucita!” Elizabeth’s voice rang out, jarring her from her thoughts.

“What?”

“Stop eating. God, look at your burger.” Lucita looked down and saw the bright green spot in the center of her burger. You’ve got to kidding me!

“I think I’m going to be sick,” she said, letting the burger fall onto the table, spitting out what she had been mindlessly chewing on. Really, could the day get any worse?

Sitting on the bus with Francis, she kept her mouth to herself, mulling over everything everyone had said. Who was she? What was she?

“Stop that,” said Francis, finally breaking the silence between them. Lucita was confused and then looked down at what she had been subconsciously doing. Turns out she had been picking at one of the scabs on her wrist, the one she tried to keep hidden underneath her studded wristband.

It was a small enough cut, but it had been deep. Luckily, her mother never asked questions, and she could play it off as a cat scratch. Her mother never looked too closely at her cuts, always assuming they were cat scratches instead of self-inflicted.

“Oh, sorry, habit.”

“I bet.” Silence fell between them again. “They were wrong, by the way.”

“Huh?”

“At lunch. They were wrong. You are selfish. It’s not cute. It’s not sweet and doesn’t make you adorable.”

“I—what do you mean?”

“Your stop is coming up.”

Looking up, she noticed that he was right. Grabbing her bag, she stood up. Two stops, that’s all they had. “Explain, quickly.”

“You wanted Jason back. You didn’t want to hide. You pushed me and Liz together for you. You didn’t care one bit that she was still reeling or that I loved you. Still love you.”

Eyes wide, she stepped close to the double doors. One stop.

“Francis—I—you—”

“See, you’re selfish. You only cared about what you wanted. Except you’re not even sure what you want. You wanted me, then you didn’t.” People on the bus started to stare at her, at them. Stop staring, she screamed in her head while Francis pushed the button to stop the bus.

“I still love you, and I know a part of you wants me.” He was too close, pressing up against her as she pressed herself against the doors. The look in his eyes, the desire, the love, made her heart race. “Just say the word, and I will come right back to you.”

The doors sprang open, causing Lucita to stumble back onto the sidewalk, nearly falling.

As the bus doors closed, she stood there, numb, dumbfounded, ready to cry. He was right. Everything she had done had been for herself, not anyone else.