Lucita is cross-legged in the school counselor’s office. She didn’t know where to begin, what to begin with, how to express everything spinning in her chaotic mind. The wants, the desires, the worry. Sometimes it felt like too much. Thank god for therapy.

“So how are we today?”

“I’m okay.”

“How are things with your mother?”

“Good,” she said, surprising herself. “Really good.”

“All right, that’s good. If home life is good, why don’t you tell me what is bothering you?”

Lucita bit her lower lip, trying to figure out where to start. For the last couple of days, she hadn’t been able to get that image of Olivia in the laundry room out of her mind. And seeing her at school, with her friend, one of her best friends, all lovey, it made her insides twist and turn.

“It’s…well, okay. Someone I know was assaulted.”

Ms. Enno sat back in her chair, hands clasped in her lap, hair braided over her shoulder. “That’s very serious.”

“Yeah.” Lucita began twitching in her seat. “It, uh, wasn’t the first time either.”

“Hmm, okay. Take your time, Luci, and start from the beginning.”

“A few weeks ago, I saved my friend from her evil ex-girlfriend. She, uh, had drugged her drink and taken her to the room. I got there just as she was trying to take off her underwear.” Talking about it made her sick, made her want to recoil now. At first, she had been overcome with rage, thank god, but now she was shaky.

“Did anyone call the police?”

Lucita shook her head. “No, she, uh, wouldn’t let us.”

“Understandable and not uncommon in cases like this, especially within the LGBTQ community.” Ms. Enno paused for a moment, as if carefully choosing her following words. “How is your friend?”

“I don’t know. She’s dating my friend right now, but this weekend…I caught her having sex with her ex’s brother. And it just doesn’t make sense to me. She says she’s a lesbian, but then this happens and … I’m so lost and confused, I don’t know what to do.” She looked at Ms. Enno pleading. “What do I do? Do I call the police and report what I saw? Do I tell my friend?”

Ms. Enno took a deep breath. “The easy answer would be yes, do both. However, situations such as these are not easy to navigate. She has to be the one to file the report, and if she doesn’t and you force her to, you risk causing her more trauma by forcing her to relive the moment against her will. Sometimes people want to forget and move on, facing it when they are ready. And, unfortunately, in the case of same gender assaults, there is a bias. Law enforcement has an unsavory history with the LGBTQ community.”

“Why should she do this, though? With him? It doesn’t make sense.”

“People experience and cope with trauma in various ways.” Ms. Enno took a deep breath. “Let me tell you a story.

“I knew two girls at two different times. In college, I had this friend, my roommate. She was sexually promiscuous. It never bothered me, but it did make me curious. I soon learned that for many years her uncle had sexually abused her.

“I was, clearly, a psychology major, so I asked one day how she could stand to let others touch her when the research showed otherwise.

“She told me that for so long it felt like her body didn’t belong to herself. Doing whatever she liked gave her power back; it gave her her agency back. It also showed her that her body was hers and didn’t belong to any man or woman.

“I knew another girl in grad school who had been attacked after a date. She was studying to be a trauma specialist, to help people like herself. She said she never wanted to be touched because it felt like she was reliving the event. The intimacy of sex was taken from her, and it took her years to move on.

“These two girls had similar experiences, but each dealt with it differently. There is no right way to come to terms with trauma. It is a process, a journey someone has to go. But they have to choose to go on it.”

Lucita let that sink in, biting her lip. “She threw herself at my friend, a guy. He said she feels her ex all over her whenever her girlfriend touches her.”

“Okay, so right now, a female touch triggers her. And that makes sense because it was a girl who assaulted her in the past and attempted to do it again. But she wants some sort of intimacy, nd so she’s seeking it from the opposite gender, despite not feeling attracted. In a way, it seems like she’s trying to regain her agency.”

“So what do I do. It feels wrong to keep this a secret.”

“I’m sure. But if you push her, you might set her back and further traumatize her.”

“I feel like such a shitty friend.”

“I’m sure you do. It’s a difficult situation with no right or wrong answer.”

“I just…like, okay, I get the trauma. But why him? Why her abuser’s brother?”

Ms. Enno let out another heavy sigh. “The fact that it is her abuser’s brother complicates matters. Now, without actually talking to her, I can only speculate. But by choosing him, she is trying to regain some sense of control regarding her feelings with her ex.”

“Her feelings?”

“Yes. She may not have romantic feelings, but fear, maybe even some lingering attraction—”

“That’s ridiculous—”

“People often want what is bad for them. Tell me, was she in a relationship with her former abuser?” Lucita nodded. “That’s what I thought. It’s a familiar pattern; she may hate her, may feel a plethora of things, but at one time, she cared deeply for her abuser; feelings like that don’t just go away. Emotions are complex, and sex, even against one’s will, is such an intimate act that complicates things. But, again, without talking to her myself, this is just speculation.”

Lucita stared at her therapist and blurted, “I had sex Matthew in a car.”

Ms. Enno’s eyes widened. “The same Matthew who now has a partner?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Because he wanted to. And I did too. I didn’t—I like his partner, they’re cool.”

“But you’re jealous.”

“I really have no right to be.”

“You had someone who wanted you. Didn’t you think about having a relationship with him?”

“Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“He didn’t want to be someone’s second choice.”

“Was he your second choice?” They sat there in silence before Lucita let out her own heavy sigh.

“I don’t know anymore. I think Cyrus might be bad for me. It hurts, loving him so much. I don’t know if I miss Matthew because I miss him, or if it’s because I had something, someone, who wanted me. I don’t know if these feelings I have for him are real.”

“But you do have feelings for him.”

Luci shrugged, unsure. “I’m aroused by him. Does that count?”

“It most certainly does. What do you want to do when you’re with him?”

“Kiss him. The same things I think about with Cyrus, I have those same thoughts for Matthew.”

“It would be impolite to say you’re young and hormonal, but it’s never that simple.”

“Do you think I have feelings for him?”

“I can’t answer that, Luci.”

They sat there in silence for a moment.

“Let’s go back and talk about what you said a moment ago.”

“Okay.”

“You said you think Cyrus is bad for you. If you believe that, why do you want to be with him?”

“Because I love him. When I’m around him, it feels like I’m whole, complete. But every time he hurts me, it’s like everything inside me shatters, and then I’m struggling to pick myself up and put myself together. But every time I do, there are more and more cracks, and I lose pieces of myself.”

“Have you spoken to him?”

Lucita shook her head. “No. I’ve been trying to give myself some space. He says he’s working on something that will make me forgive him.”

“Are you going to?”

“I already have. Isn’t that pathetic?”

“I don’t think so.”

“I was angry and heartbroken at first. I thought about hurting myself again, just to feel something else, anything else.”

“Did you?”

Lucita shook her head. “No. I—I couldn’t. It’s like, I used to because everything would hurt and I needed to cut myself to put the pain in one spot, to centralize, if that makes sense. But I just, I had the knife in my hand, and I just didn’t have the energy to do it. It’s like I’m used to it, this heartache.”

Ms. Enno sat there studying her. “If Cyrus were to ask you out, would you say yes?”

“In a heartbeat.”

“Do you think that’s healthy?”

“No. It’s why I haven’t been texting him.”

“But you want to.”

“So badly. I just want to be with him.”

They sat there silent for a moment.

“Lucita, I just want you to stay healthy, and I think your love for this boy blinds you. It is borderline obsessive and unhealthy. So please, tread carefully and don’t lose yourself.”

Lucita nodded. She knew she was right. It just hurt to let go. He was like her tether, and as much as it hurt to hold on, she couldn’t let go. Who was she without him?

Order ‘New Girl,’ the first in my YA Romance series.